Well the big one is I may have cancer. On top of all the blood disease crap, I may have cancer. Its just such a big "screw you" from the universe. Its exhausting. I'm so tired of illnesses and hospitals and doctors. Like the Taking Back Sunday song "So sick, so sick of being tired; And oh so tired of being sick..." That really describes my feelings on everything right now.
Though I'm also fairly numbed out. I really just don't feel much. Except tired. Life has just worn me out, I feel like I'm just a ghost in all of it. A somehow needed extra in everyone else's lives. Just empty. I want to draw and paint and sing, but I feel like I just don't have it in me anymore. Like everything that is me has been some how shelved. A pause button on my personality.
Maybe I'm just protecting myself mentally, cause I know when I do start thinking about all this crap I just want to sit down and cry for days. Which would work if I honestly to my core didn't hate crying. I don't like the way it feels, I don't like how I feel after, I just don't like it. I do find I'm grinding my teeth all the time again. I must be stressed, just somewhere deep in me.
I've lost all motivation. I pull out sewing stuff, then just look sadly at my dolls. They just sit there in ugly outfits because I have no motivation to give them. I used to keep them in a cupboard but after they'd sat in there for days it seemed cruel. So now they sit on some shelves so they are at least out in the world. Even if I just look at them.
I've been scared. Not that I'll die. That's not how I'll go. But that all this extra is going to take the rest of if out of me. That all that's going to be left is sadness and fear. No more spark. No more silly sayings. No more love of art and beauty. No more excitement of those odd things that get in my head and make me obsessive.
It makes me feel frantic to get all the art out of me that I can, which makes it all the more frustrating that my muse has run dry.
But I don't want to talk about it anymore.
I have a new doll. He is a dragon. I love him dearly. His name is Nit :) This is him:
The Converse shoe box is actually his bed. He fits in it perfectly, which make me love him that much more. When I first saw them on a website I wanted one, and he has a special place in my heart. I love him completely. :)
My little niece Addyson has been growing up so fast! She walks and talks... Its just crazy fun to watch her do new things. Here is some pics of her :D
I am happy that it has really started to smell like autumn. That scent of fire and death that is so appealing to my nose :) I love this time of year. I love the color I love the smell, I love the holidays... I even love wearing jacket :D Its so nice
Lets see.... I think that's really all that's been up with me as of late. So until next time, toodles.
