So new stuff...

I might as well start with all the stupid crap, then get to the fun stuff.

Well the big one is I may have cancer. On top of all the blood disease crap, I may have cancer. Its just such a big "screw you" from the universe. Its exhausting. I'm so tired of illnesses and hospitals and doctors. Like the Taking Back Sunday song "So sick, so sick of being tired; And oh so tired of being sick..." That really describes my feelings on everything right now.

Though I'm also fairly numbed out. I really just don't feel much. Except tired. Life has just worn me out, I feel like I'm just a ghost in all of it. A somehow needed extra in everyone else's lives. Just empty. I want to draw and paint and sing, but I feel like I just don't have it in me anymore. Like everything that is me has been some how shelved. A pause button on my personality.

Maybe I'm just protecting myself mentally, cause I know when I do start thinking about all this crap I just want to sit down and cry for days. Which would work if I honestly to my core didn't hate crying. I don't like the way it feels, I don't like how I feel after, I just don't like it. I do find I'm grinding my teeth all the time again. I must be stressed, just somewhere deep in me.

I've lost all motivation. I pull out sewing stuff, then just look sadly at my dolls. They just sit there in ugly outfits because I have no motivation to give them. I used to keep them in a cupboard but after they'd sat in there for days it seemed cruel. So now they sit on some shelves so they are at least out in the world. Even if I just look at them.

I've been scared. Not that I'll die. That's not how I'll go. But that all this extra is going to take the rest of if out of me. That all that's going to be left is sadness and fear. No more spark. No more silly sayings. No more love of art and beauty. No more excitement of those odd things that get in my head and make me obsessive.

It makes me feel frantic to get all the art out of me that I can, which makes it all the more frustrating that my muse has run dry.

But I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I have a new doll. He is a dragon. I love him dearly. His name is Nit :) This is him:

The Converse shoe box is actually his bed. He fits in it perfectly, which make me love him that much more. When I first saw them on a website I wanted one, and he has a special place in my heart. I love him completely. :)

My little niece Addyson has been growing up so fast! She walks and talks... Its just crazy fun to watch her do new things. Here is some pics of her :D

Yeah, I love that baby to little itty bits and pieces :D She is the best baby ever

I am happy that it has really started to smell like autumn. That scent of fire and death that is so appealing to my nose :) I love this time of year. I love the color I love the smell, I love the holidays... I even love wearing jacket :D Its so nice

Lets see.... I think that's really all that's been up with me as of late. So until next time, toodles.

I have decided I want to be an artist for a living

After much (25 years worth) thought, I may have decided what I want to do with my life. I want to draw.

Its sorta funny to me that I want to do something like this. I literally never thought I would want to do something like this. Or that I could. I didn't realize I had any drawing ability until I was about out of high school. I just started drawing little doodles and being half decent a them. But still never really considered it.

In high school I wanted to be a writer. I was never really that good at writing, but I think it was just high school. Obviously I still like to write. I keep up on this blog fairly often, but I think when it all comes down to it this is all I would ever want to do with writing. Have some journal that a few people might read.

In junior high I wanted to be a Broadway star. REALLY LAME!! I know. But I just discovered musicals. Like Cats, Phantom of the Opera, Newsies, Rent..... All that. Plus I also had learned that I could sing. Well. Not just belt out a few notes, I do have a very good singing voice.

But once again, it seems that all of that was just a passing fancy. I love to sing. Absolutely love it, but I don't think I could do it professionally. Well, I could, but I wouldn't enjoy it. I like to sing just to sing. I think if I had to constantly put thought into it, it would loose its flavor.

Even funnier still, in elementary I wanted to be a paleontologist. Yeah. I love dinosaurs. Little known fact about me. I love them!! They are so wicked cool. I love going to the Dino Park, I like reading all the little facts about the dinos, I have a bunch of really nice dino books my mommy got me when I was little still. Dinosaurs are wicked cool.

But I digress. Alot. I want to draw. I love it. I think about stuff I can draw, I think about how to draw things different or better, its like all I can think about. As many passing fancies as I've had when thinking about something to do with a career, I worry a little that this may also be a passing fancy.

Then again, I feel really excited about the possibility of doing this for a career. None of my other passing fancies have ever got me this excited. Like even thinking about a future with it all just feels right. I feel like its something I can do. I have a future with it. It may not be a good money future, and I'll probably always have to have at least a part time job, but that just sounds so right. Still have a job that gets me out of the house, but also have time to draw. It all just sounds so wonderful.

Yeah. But onto other stuff. I had another doctors appointment today. I am still showing signs of having cell break down, but not on a high level or anywhere close to me getting anemic. So that's good.

I am down to 50 mg of Prednisone, which is good. My doctor wants to get more aggressive about lowering my dose. Prednisone can do terrible things to your body, so I don't want to be on a high dose for a long time. We are going to do a cell count in a week to see what's going on with that, and if things are still looking good we may be dropping it again in a week. So yay there.

I also learned that the cold is a HUGE factor in all of this so I HAVE to stay warm. Or I could end up needing more transfusions. That sucks though, cause I freaking LOVE the cold weather. I feel like I'm the biggest jerk to myself. I've been so excited for the cold weather to get here, it finally does, and I can't even enjoy it. Super lame.

Yep. I have a few ideas for a cheap Halloween costume that I hope I can pull off by this weekend. Missing all the work I did really limited my Halloween costume money, which sucks, since I had the best idea and greatest costume that I can now not do :( Oh well. There is always next year.

Yep. I think that is all. So toodles :)