Why almost having cancer is the best thing that has happened to me

Two years ago I was hospitalized and almost died. I was giving an expiration date, and have been placed on medication that has destroyed my body. All this stuff really weighed on me everyday. And even though I don't know if I realized it then, I'm pretty sure I was depressed.

I really can't say one way or another if I was depressed. I mean, it really changed me, I know that at least. All I could see was my teeth breaking apart, not being able to get my stomach to go back down, my double chin, the cataracts, my yellow eyes, the dark circles, and this expiration date. I could just see my time slipping away and how I'd never be able to do anything.

One of the worst parts is that I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Its really frustrating and scary to have illnesses that are not normal or (for lack of a better term) "mainstream". If I wanted to talk to someone I have to explain the diseases and then they get so down I find myself doing more comforting than talking. I hate "Oh.... I'm so sorry..." and even though I really do have a good attitude about everything that has been dealt to me, sometimes I just want to through myself down and scream, kick and cry about how much it all sucks.

I feel like I have to protect the people I love. I hate when they see how much it wears me out sometimes. I hate how easy I get sick. I hate when they see that there is so much weakness in me. I love them and I don't like reminding them that one day, sooner than we are all ready, I'm leaving them.

So for 2 years this is all I've been able to see and think about. It wasn't always on the front of my mind, but there was always part of me that was thinking about.

And then I found out I may have cancer.

I must say, cancer is a terrifying word. Chilling to the bone. And I was numb. I felt like I was just in this cloud. Everything was dulled down. I was running on auto pilot. I didn't want to let myself feel anything about it until the tests were done. I didn't want to think about hospital stays, loosing my already really thin hair, loosing my fingernails.... Any of it. It was terrifying. I always felt on the verge of tears.

Then I had the doctors appointment and found out I don't have cancer.

The sun shone brighter, the world sang a little bit, nothing was annoying. I get to live. I may still have broken teeth, pudginess, and dark circles, but I don't look and feel like a corpse. I have my hair, even if its a little thin. I have chub, at least I look like a person not a skeleton zombie. I have an expiration date, but its not for sometime.

I'm making serious plans for the future again, I feel lighter, doctors visits don't feel so depressing.... Everything is just better. And even though my outlook has improved, then best change in me has been my attitude toward my image. I accept myself and flaws a lot better now. I don't harp on the little bits that were damaging my self esteem. Even though there are things I want to fix, I don't feel bad about myself.

I'm so grateful for everyday I have, even the ones that I have to get my blood drawn. Living is a wonderful bright and sometimes scary thing, and I'm glad that I get to do it for as long as possible.

A look at 2012 via my facebook feed

I wanted to go over stuff that had happened to me in 2012. But then I thought about how I don't keep a journal or anything like that and tried to think of other ways to have a look back. Then I remembered my facebook feed. Most people have one, and like most of these people I post when something significant happens or when I am very bored. So this is my look back at the year by reading through my facebook feed.

January:

The first thing I post from 2012 was "Come with us now on a journey through time and space." So its safe to assume that the first thing I watched in 2012 was The Mighty Boosh. So good job me :) I also posted later that "Vince Noir was the best" I am obviously awesome and amazing.

I also posted that my one and only resolution for the year was to not be afraid of art. Which I wasn't. I went out and tried to draw, color and paint anything and everything I could. The only resolution I have ever made that i followed. I'm so glad I did. Its been a wonderful time learning that art has no boundaries. Its been wonderful. I am grateful for the experience. Thanks past me for suggesting this, and also thanks past me for trying it out. Then I went on to post how I want to post a new pic of artwork every week..... That one I did not even sort of listen to. Nope. :)

I also came up with some pretty awesome ideas for comics that I have sort of forgotten about. I really want to work on those again. I will have to dig them back up and work on them some more. Here is a pic of a character for one that I came up with

A couple days later my sister tagged me in a post about playing Just Dance 3, and I talked later about how I hit myself in the face while we played. Sounds like that is a fun memory I wish I had on video :D Speaking about gaming with the siblings, I talk a few days later about playing Left 4 Dead with my baby brother, Christian. Which I did actually a few days ago as well :) I actually bought the game to play with him. We don't have a lot of similar tastes in video games, but we do share a love for shooting zombies :)

I also remember playing with my other brother Shaun, and he played on Christian's account. So I spent the whole time calling him "Chris" because that was what his avatar said his name was. Half the time I didn't even catch that I'd said anything wrong. I love playing games with my brothers. Specifically I love to play Left 4 Dead and Mortal Kombat with them. They are great fun. 

January was also the big deal with SOPA. For those that don't remember just follow this fun link. SOPA, PIPA and bills like them are just ridiculous. I'm not a big activist or anything, but they were garbage bills and I'm glad they didn't pass. I get stopping piracy, but there are better ways. But I digress.

Also my puppy grew and grew. I don't know if I've ever posted a pic of her on here, but when I got her in November of 2011 this is what she looked like

And in January of 2012 she looked like this

Pixel is the fluffy one. The chihuahua is Pika. The fun thing about this year is watching not only my puppy, but my sweet baby niece grow up as well. From the adorable newborn in September 2011

To January 2012 (with my beautiful sister Karissa)

I ended January with this awesome quote "As I put on my Betty Boop shirt and socks I couldn't help but feel like today will be a Boop-oop-a-doop Day :)" Which shows how awesome I am all the time.

Onto February!

The first thing I posted in February is simple. "Cookies". I later posted "M&Ms" Obviously I was hungry at the beginning of February. 

In February I did my first trade with my dolls. I traded my doll Anarchy for Jack. Wanting to downsize my doll family I'd put most of them up for sale. I sold Fiona, gave AJ back to his owner and put Anarchy and Oliver up for sale.  So I received a new doll about half way through the month.

Though I wanted to downsize I traded. I figured if I didn't like him I could sell him. But more on that later.

Addy and Pixel continued to grow

Mikey turned 27 and we had dinner with our now really close friends Gerri and Dane for the first time (that's right Gerri, one year ago we were not as good of friends)

And onto March!

In March I did a lot of arting. Here are some examples

Addy and Pixel got bigger 

And I got my first and only Monster High doll. Operetta. Phantom of the Opera! Woot!!

One of the biggest things that happened in March was the Festival of Colors. I love going to that. I plan to go again this year. I went with my brother Shaun and we had a blast. He is a super fun kid :) Here are some pics (since they are worth 1000 words :D)

This is the shirt I made

Me after some throwings (My shirt is obviously not white anymore)

Me and Shaun. He is not that serious.

This is how he usually is :)

The other big thing is that we moved. Which was nice, because that house we were renting was total garbage. I hated it. The power was shoddy and the furnace broke constantly. It sucked. We moved in with my mom for a couple months while we finished renovations on our house.

April time!!

The first thing I posted about in April was that I won a game of Clue on my first turn. Another sign of how awesome I am.

Shaun turned 20, Mikey wrecked the car he'd had since we met, I went to a second color festival, I dyed my hair blue (something I've wanted to do for SO long) and I heard one of the best quotes in my life "Does a mall baby eat chili fries?"

After Mikey wrecked his car we got a vw. I love it. VWs are so awesome. Someday I will have a VW Bug. And my life will be complete.

Blue hair!!

Also the little ones grew

May!!

First off Star Wars day. Awesome

I made a mother's day present for Karissa's first Mother's day

I got Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, and was sadly disappointed that is sucked SO BAD! Minion and Pixel got fixed, which was traumatized for all parties involved. I hated leaving them there, and felt so bad that they were all groggy and hurty. But they are better for it. Me and Gerri started hanging out a lot more. I can tell because that's when we started talking about each other more. Plus that's when she started calling me Shaybear :)

I completed more stuff from my bucket list, namely I auditioned for a band. It was terrifying, but a lot of fun and I am really glad I put myself out there. I also sort of did another one. I have "own and sd doll" on my bucket list. I sold Milo and bought an sd sized head.

In the end the body was more trouble than I wanted and I sold him. But more on that later.

Also more growing happened

June!

It was not as interesting. June was were I took a break in excitement I think :) I moved into my new house, broke my blackberry ( D': ), Mikey went to Google IO and I did some more art.

I apparently didn't take any pics of Pixel either, but Addy continued to grow :) 

July!!

Why is July awesome? My birthday!! But we'll get to that. In July I had my first 5 course gourmet meal, I played Just Dance on the 4th with my bestie, I got Batman: Arkham Asylum (finally), got an awesome game on my 3DS called Photo Dojo, Addy had her first big medical scare, and I sold Oliver and got my little dragon doll named Nit

I also chopped my hair off again

And here is some art :)

Addy had her first big health scare. She'd been sick and then her counts were low and they sent her to a hematologist and they took her blood and that made me cry. Mean stabby doctors. But she is healthy. No worries there :)

There was a doll meet on my birthday and me and Gerri and Dane played Nightmare for the last hour of my birthday (it was crazy awesome)

And Addyson grew a little more and also experienced a pool for the first time

August!

I bought Nerf guns, made a wonderful new inside joke with the name Susan, and went to the Hive gallery in Layton for the first time. Nothing really happened in August. I don't even have art to upload. But at least Addy grew more and went to her first parade :D

September! 

It was quite a milestone month. And how did I start it out?

"Hog tieing zombies and riding my fire horse. That's just how I roll."

I love being me.

September!!! Addy's first birthday, Christian's 18th birthday, Karissa's best friend (practically my sister) got married, and of course the start of the cancer scare.

My beautiful niece turned one, and my amazing baby bro turned 18, all within the same week. It was pretty awesome.

 Addy was also a flower girl at the wedding

I've been over the cancer scare, so you can read about it on the other blog. And I did more art!

And Addy just grew and grew

October!

Of course the big one is Halloween, but there was also having to get a needle biopsy (so the suck), catching myself on fire, making green fire in our pumpkins, and my favorite part of this time of year; Pumpkin coffee :D

For Halloween I talked my sister into doing Batman villains, and even though mine fell through (I wanted to be the Riddler, but it didn't work out) Karissa looked awesome as Poison Ivy and Addy was the cutest Cat Woman I'd ever seen. I was Raven. So still associated with Batman, just not one of his villains.

I carved pumpkins with with my bestie and new doll

And then some green fire happened (though it doesn't look green in the pic)

Some experimenting with art happened

And more growing

Pixel is the one with her head hanging off. Those are mine and my mom's dogs.

November!!

In November I cut some old ties, found out I did not have cancer, lost my Shin Chan phone dongle... thing, got a new school Furby, fulfilled another bucket list by owning my first sd sized doll, and my husband agreed to us owning a monkey.

In November I put my doll Jack (that I'd gotten in February) and the sd head I'd purchased up for sale. I then found my wonderful sd doll that I love. Also Addy got her first love

He is super big and super AWESOME

I also got a Furby so I own every generation. Its pretty awesome (thanks mom :D )

Thanksgiving happened and more baby growth

And lastly December!

In December the world ended (ha ha), I got an awesome book about John Lennon, my husbands tire went flat and we had a horrific adventure trying to find a security lug nut (sucked), Addy met Mr. Clause (and did not like him), I learned a new song called Bacon Pancakes, and my doll got his face.

The Mayans predicted that on December 21 2012 the world would end. Well obviously it didn't. But I spent the whole day watching apocalypse movies. It was awesome.

Go look up Bacon Pancakes. Change your life.

My new doll got his face and a name. He is Casper. This is what he looks like.

I did more art

Celebrated Christmas with the family

And watched Addy grow even more

All and all its been a good year. I look forward to 2013. Toodles.