Two years ago I was hospitalized and almost died. I was giving an expiration date, and have been placed on medication that has destroyed my body. All this stuff really weighed on me everyday. And even though I don't know if I realized it then, I'm pretty sure I was depressed.
I really can't say one way or another if I was depressed. I mean, it really changed me, I know that at least. All I could see was my teeth breaking apart, not being able to get my stomach to go back down, my double chin, the cataracts, my yellow eyes, the dark circles, and this expiration date. I could just see my time slipping away and how I'd never be able to do anything.
One of the worst parts is that I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Its really frustrating and scary to have illnesses that are not normal or (for lack of a better term) "mainstream". If I wanted to talk to someone I have to explain the diseases and then they get so down I find myself doing more comforting than talking. I hate "Oh.... I'm so sorry..." and even though I really do have a good attitude about everything that has been dealt to me, sometimes I just want to through myself down and scream, kick and cry about how much it all sucks.
I feel like I have to protect the people I love. I hate when they see how much it wears me out sometimes. I hate how easy I get sick. I hate when they see that there is so much weakness in me. I love them and I don't like reminding them that one day, sooner than we are all ready, I'm leaving them.
So for 2 years this is all I've been able to see and think about. It wasn't always on the front of my mind, but there was always part of me that was thinking about.
And then I found out I may have cancer.
I must say, cancer is a terrifying word. Chilling to the bone. And I was numb. I felt like I was just in this cloud. Everything was dulled down. I was running on auto pilot. I didn't want to let myself feel anything about it until the tests were done. I didn't want to think about hospital stays, loosing my already really thin hair, loosing my fingernails.... Any of it. It was terrifying. I always felt on the verge of tears.
Then I had the doctors appointment and found out I don't have cancer.
The sun shone brighter, the world sang a little bit, nothing was annoying. I get to live. I may still have broken teeth, pudginess, and dark circles, but I don't look and feel like a corpse. I have my hair, even if its a little thin. I have chub, at least I look like a person not a skeleton zombie. I have an expiration date, but its not for sometime.
I'm making serious plans for the future again, I feel lighter, doctors visits don't feel so depressing.... Everything is just better. And even though my outlook has improved, then best change in me has been my attitude toward my image. I accept myself and flaws a lot better now. I don't harp on the little bits that were damaging my self esteem. Even though there are things I want to fix, I don't feel bad about myself.
I'm so grateful for everyday I have, even the ones that I have to get my blood drawn. Living is a wonderful bright and sometimes scary thing, and I'm glad that I get to do it for as long as possible.
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