So new stuff...

I might as well start with all the stupid crap, then get to the fun stuff.

Well the big one is I may have cancer. On top of all the blood disease crap, I may have cancer. Its just such a big "screw you" from the universe. Its exhausting. I'm so tired of illnesses and hospitals and doctors. Like the Taking Back Sunday song "So sick, so sick of being tired; And oh so tired of being sick..." That really describes my feelings on everything right now.

Though I'm also fairly numbed out. I really just don't feel much. Except tired. Life has just worn me out, I feel like I'm just a ghost in all of it. A somehow needed extra in everyone else's lives. Just empty. I want to draw and paint and sing, but I feel like I just don't have it in me anymore. Like everything that is me has been some how shelved. A pause button on my personality.

Maybe I'm just protecting myself mentally, cause I know when I do start thinking about all this crap I just want to sit down and cry for days. Which would work if I honestly to my core didn't hate crying. I don't like the way it feels, I don't like how I feel after, I just don't like it. I do find I'm grinding my teeth all the time again. I must be stressed, just somewhere deep in me.

I've lost all motivation. I pull out sewing stuff, then just look sadly at my dolls. They just sit there in ugly outfits because I have no motivation to give them. I used to keep them in a cupboard but after they'd sat in there for days it seemed cruel. So now they sit on some shelves so they are at least out in the world. Even if I just look at them.

I've been scared. Not that I'll die. That's not how I'll go. But that all this extra is going to take the rest of if out of me. That all that's going to be left is sadness and fear. No more spark. No more silly sayings. No more love of art and beauty. No more excitement of those odd things that get in my head and make me obsessive.

It makes me feel frantic to get all the art out of me that I can, which makes it all the more frustrating that my muse has run dry.

But I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I have a new doll. He is a dragon. I love him dearly. His name is Nit :) This is him:

The Converse shoe box is actually his bed. He fits in it perfectly, which make me love him that much more. When I first saw them on a website I wanted one, and he has a special place in my heart. I love him completely. :)

My little niece Addyson has been growing up so fast! She walks and talks... Its just crazy fun to watch her do new things. Here is some pics of her :D

Yeah, I love that baby to little itty bits and pieces :D She is the best baby ever

I am happy that it has really started to smell like autumn. That scent of fire and death that is so appealing to my nose :) I love this time of year. I love the color I love the smell, I love the holidays... I even love wearing jacket :D Its so nice

Lets see.... I think that's really all that's been up with me as of late. So until next time, toodles.

Blog writing slacker

I've really been meaning to update more than this, but I'm a slacker. That's just how I roll. So what has been up with me in the last year? My illness seems to be maintaining, I have a house, 2 of my puppies passed away, I got 2 new puppies, I sold all but 1 of my dolls, I got a couple new dolls, and most important of all I became an aunt..... I think that pretty much covers it....

So I am on a really low dose of medicine and I have been for awhile and things seem to be maintaining for the most part. So my CBCs and my doctor appointments are spaced out alot more now, and all of that seems to be ok for now. So that's good.

I have a house : D I love it! It has 3 bedrooms, and 2 bathrooms. I totally love it! I'm going to paint it and hang pictures and everything. I love that I have a house that's mine and that I can do anything with. Its so awesome :)

Last August Lola and Simon got into some bad food and died. It was a terrible and tragic weekend. A week or so later everyone (even Little Bud) was still really depressed. Our little family felt so empty and sad. So my mom took me to the pound to look at puppies. I found one that I really liked so me and Mikey decided to take Little Bud up there to see if they would get along. Well the other puppy kinda freaked out on Little Bud, so we were thinking about going back inside and looking at others when the fellow that brought the dogs out said that they had a really sweet little girl that needed a good home. She hadn't been there the day before because she was getting fixed, so I hadn't seen her.

He brings out this bitty little brown puppy. Her and Little Bud seemed to get along, so we took her home. We named her Pika (like Pikachu) and she has been one of the sweetest most wonderful dogs we ever had. As much as I love her to pieces our family still felt empty.

A few months later my mom told us about a guy at her work that's dog had puppies, and was giving them away for free. So we went over there to look at puppies. We looked at a couple different ones and were thinking about taking home this little black and white one, when I started looking at the two long haired ones.  One was black, but it was a boy, and we wanted to get another girl, so I picked up the dark brown one and handed her to Mikey. We both fell in love with the little stinker and took her home. We named her Pixel and she has been a wonderful little pain  :) After always having dogs, its has been fun to watch this little puppy grow up.

So after I got Alice I did not feel all that connected to the rest of my dolls. So I sold all of them but her. I actually traded Anarchy for another doll I named Jack. I also changed Alice's name, because it never really seemed to totally fit her. I've renamed her Embry Alice Poe (a play on Edgar Allan Poe's name) I am also getting a little dragon doll tomorrow. I am SO EXCITED!!!! He is so cute. I am thinking of calling him Seneca, but the closer I get to owning him, the more I'm wondering.

So my sister had a beautiful little baby on my wedding anniversary. I am the proudest auntie to the most beautiful, amazing, and freaky smart kid that there ever was :D  It has been so funny to watch her grow up and figure things out. I love her to little bitty bits and pieces.

Yep.... So that's the nub and just of what has been going on with me in this last year. I'll be uploading pics tomorrow, since it is late tonight. So....yeah..... Toodles

Me = pain!!!

It hurts. My neck. Hurts. Ow. Pain.

Well enough of that. I've started a.... I dunno..... Comic blog...?.... I guess you could call it. I don't know what the future holds for Scribble People. It makes me sad. I did enjoy doing it, but maybe this is the way my comic future will go. Who knows.

I guess I can add a link... here

Yep. That's it.

Well I don't know what else to say. I redid the blog again. I like this one, I didn't like that last one as much. But I like the simplicity of this one. And it makes it so the new comic blog and this one kinda match.

Yeah. Well, sorry I don't have much to say, neck/back pain can be so distracting. Til later, toodles

I have decided I want to be an artist for a living

After much (25 years worth) thought, I may have decided what I want to do with my life. I want to draw.

Its sorta funny to me that I want to do something like this. I literally never thought I would want to do something like this. Or that I could. I didn't realize I had any drawing ability until I was about out of high school. I just started drawing little doodles and being half decent a them. But still never really considered it.

In high school I wanted to be a writer. I was never really that good at writing, but I think it was just high school. Obviously I still like to write. I keep up on this blog fairly often, but I think when it all comes down to it this is all I would ever want to do with writing. Have some journal that a few people might read.

In junior high I wanted to be a Broadway star. REALLY LAME!! I know. But I just discovered musicals. Like Cats, Phantom of the Opera, Newsies, Rent..... All that. Plus I also had learned that I could sing. Well. Not just belt out a few notes, I do have a very good singing voice.

But once again, it seems that all of that was just a passing fancy. I love to sing. Absolutely love it, but I don't think I could do it professionally. Well, I could, but I wouldn't enjoy it. I like to sing just to sing. I think if I had to constantly put thought into it, it would loose its flavor.

Even funnier still, in elementary I wanted to be a paleontologist. Yeah. I love dinosaurs. Little known fact about me. I love them!! They are so wicked cool. I love going to the Dino Park, I like reading all the little facts about the dinos, I have a bunch of really nice dino books my mommy got me when I was little still. Dinosaurs are wicked cool.

But I digress. Alot. I want to draw. I love it. I think about stuff I can draw, I think about how to draw things different or better, its like all I can think about. As many passing fancies as I've had when thinking about something to do with a career, I worry a little that this may also be a passing fancy.

Then again, I feel really excited about the possibility of doing this for a career. None of my other passing fancies have ever got me this excited. Like even thinking about a future with it all just feels right. I feel like its something I can do. I have a future with it. It may not be a good money future, and I'll probably always have to have at least a part time job, but that just sounds so right. Still have a job that gets me out of the house, but also have time to draw. It all just sounds so wonderful.

Yeah. But onto other stuff. I had another doctors appointment today. I am still showing signs of having cell break down, but not on a high level or anywhere close to me getting anemic. So that's good.

I am down to 50 mg of Prednisone, which is good. My doctor wants to get more aggressive about lowering my dose. Prednisone can do terrible things to your body, so I don't want to be on a high dose for a long time. We are going to do a cell count in a week to see what's going on with that, and if things are still looking good we may be dropping it again in a week. So yay there.

I also learned that the cold is a HUGE factor in all of this so I HAVE to stay warm. Or I could end up needing more transfusions. That sucks though, cause I freaking LOVE the cold weather. I feel like I'm the biggest jerk to myself. I've been so excited for the cold weather to get here, it finally does, and I can't even enjoy it. Super lame.

Yep. I have a few ideas for a cheap Halloween costume that I hope I can pull off by this weekend. Missing all the work I did really limited my Halloween costume money, which sucks, since I had the best idea and greatest costume that I can now not do :( Oh well. There is always next year.

Yep. I think that is all. So toodles :)

Post 101

I didn't realize that my last blog was #100. Kinda cool.

Anyway. I took new pictures. Of my dolls. Here they are.

Oliver!

He's always so pensive looking...

Fiona

I really like the long wig on her. I'm glad I was able to fix it finally.

I really like this outfit as well. I think it suits her

Anarchy :)

Always giving me so much 'ttude :P

Milo had some crazy freaking bed head or something.

It looks kinda cute on him though

Adrian lookin' so grumpy

I really don't think he looks that grumpy, I just know Mikey thinks he does

I really like the way his wig was sitting in these shots

And of course Alice :)

In the new outfit I made for her.

Laying in the sun like a cat

Oliver and Fiona. The way the sun hit Fi, it looks like she is crying :(

Sad no more!!!

Milo and Anarchy

It looks like they are telling secrets I think.

And pictured together for the first time is Adrian and Alice!! I was excited to take pics of them together. Sadly I didn't have alot of time to do it.

I liked the way this pic looked. Even though their eyes look kinda creepy.

Yep. So that's all 6. Wow. 6 of them now. Yeesh. Yeah. That's all I really wanted to post about. I have an appointment in the morning to get more blood drawn, and then I will probably find out Monday (when my next doctors app. is) what the results are. So I will keep you all updated.

So yeah. Toodles :)

So far so good

Got my test results back from Thursday, and everything is so far so good. Just gotta keep all the good stuff going to Friday, when I have more blood to get drawn, and then on Monday I have an appointment with the Hematologist (blood doctor) again. I still need to find a regular phsician. Me = slacker.

Anyway. There's not to much else going on. I still haven't had a chance to make normal clothes for my poor Alice doll. She is so neglected. I have a good idea though of how I want her to look. So that's a step in the right direction I suppose.

I wanna take some pics of my dollies. I feel like I'm neglecting all of them. They are suffering :P

Ok, I'm not quite that crazy. Not quite. Almost though.

Work is going well. I don't know if I've mentioned it to much. I have a job. It is with telemarketing, and (other than learning about mankinds complete lack of phone curtesy) I really like it. It may not be my dream job, but its easy, its a job, and I feel like I am fairly compesated for the amount of work that I do. Which, what more can you ask for? Especially with the downward economy.

We have also moved. I don't know if I've mentioned that. Hospital stays and scary diagnoses tend to overshadow these things sometimes. We are living in Ogden, which is really nice being close to my family when I really need them.

Though I must be honest, I do miss living with my inlaws as well. I really got lucky when it comes to my husbands family. I hear all the time about people not liking there inlaws or fighting with them... Mine are great. In fact Mikey's whole family is really great, and I'm lucky to have them in my life as well as my great husband.

But I digress. We moved, and its really coming together. The place isn't totally put together yet, but between working, school and hospital stays, I'd say we aren't doing to bad on getting it all together. As long as it gets done... right? :)

Yep. Well I think that is all for now. I'll keep the world updated as I learn things. Much love folks. Toodles

I really didn't mention this before....

What with all the hospital stuff I was kinda distracted, but I got a new doll. The one doll I've always wanted, but never thought I'd be able to get.

If you've been reading this blog from the beginning, you will remember the old backroud I had that had the dolls in it. That is the doll I have. Of course there are going to be pics!! What kind of doll loving crazy person would I be if I didn't have pics of her?! Actually until like 2 days ago I was a very ill doll loving crazy person who hasn't been able to take pics.

But here they are!!!

And of course she has a look just perfect for Retro Camara, so I took pics with that:

Yep. Well that's all for now. Yay :) and toodles